Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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