he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
