Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
