the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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