I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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