Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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