A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
