Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
