I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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