two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
