Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
