My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
