thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
