my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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