my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
