someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
