I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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