dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
