If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
