turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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