Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
