I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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