Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
