There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
