perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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