why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
