Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
