I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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