My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
