Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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