All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The beer is more important than you right now.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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