someone get that fucking seahorse.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize