The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
