I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
