Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
