Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
