my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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