I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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