Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
God, I missed his penis.
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