Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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