Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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