can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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