I am puke
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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