Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
