But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
