Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
