My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
