I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
