The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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