living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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