i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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