Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
