but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
