Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
