Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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