A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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