All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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