I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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