took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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