Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
