Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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